I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
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You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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