God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
