I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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