if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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