Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
