I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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