I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
