I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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