my phone needs a breathalizer
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize