Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
