clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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