you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
