No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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