At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
