I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
