dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
