I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
