Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
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This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
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He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.