I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
