He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
