Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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