I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
