I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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