yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
