if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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