I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
