he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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