i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
