some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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