yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's always time for handjobs
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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