Your dad touched me again.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
