....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How does it feel to date your dad?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
