I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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