Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize