3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
