I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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