Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
