..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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