Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
