So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No subtext here. People are naked.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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