how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
