The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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