Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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