The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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