He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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