you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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