If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
