Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
