Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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