I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
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Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
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Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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