I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
