Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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