he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
