Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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