i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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